nope. still alive.

my dad has been sober for two months.

it's kind of weird. it's like before i had a reason to hate him, not talk to him, think negatively of him. now, i don't know how to live a life loving my dad. the last time i loved my dad, i was like six and i was his princess, we would go fishing and he would feed me those orange lance peanut butter crackers. then it somehow turned into me being a bitch. constant scowls. ruthless words exchanged.

he is a huge reason i am so fucked in the head sometimes. he is the reason why i can't maintain a real loving relationship.

i am happy that he is sober but it's fucking 27 years too late.

i have been having minor anxiety attacks which turn into little emotional breakdowns recently...i don't know how to live this life that i am in. i think a lot of my stress has been related to this. constantly holding my breath just waiting for him to start drinking again. waiting for that huge disappointment that's right around the corner.